My mind is wandering. I have so many big ideas, and it seems nearly impossible to make any of them a reality. But, if it was easy, would it be as fun? I want to travel, everywhere. I told my Dad the other day, that I want to ski in as many countries as possible. He laughed at me. Sometimes, I think my parents believe in me less than anyone. Shouldn't that be the other way around? I don't know. I'll have to prove them wrong, I guess.

"For a slightly possible goal, sometimes we sell out our soul. Can't help that, errrbody done felt that. Just ask your favorite artists whose heart has turned to pitch black. Ask some of these stars where they lost they sense of self at. Strictly being puppets in public is a setback. Everybody's a dancer, I don't view you no differently, so dance for me."

There are few lyrics that I've fell in love with more than this one. For some reason, I never ever get sick of the Cunninlynguists. They're brilliant. I have to constantly remind myself that, no matter what, it's better to be free, and to be myself, than to be monetarily comfortable. I don't think I'll ever be 'rich' in my life, and even though that makes me slightly worthless in American society, I feel like I own the world sometimes. I've written about it before, but I feel so incredibly blessed to live in the place that I do, and play as much as I do. My life is incredible, and I have so many ideas about what I want to do with it. I feel like I've been given some serious wanderlust, and I need to make use of it while I can. A year ago, all I wanted to do was find a place that I loved, and stay put. But now, I'm starting to realize that I need to see things in my life. I want to ski in Austria, Japan, Colorado, Chile, India, Dubai. I want to eat in Thailand, France, Italy, NYC, Morocco and Brazil. I want to live in a Winnebago for a year, traveling around the States to play. I want to take pictures. I want to collect things that you might find at World Market, on my own. I want to fill a personally remodeled home with things that remind me of my adventures. I want to buy all organic and local, and grow my own veggies.

Why do I always get so sidetracked?

Peace, love, and an application to Edelweiss Lodge in Germany,

When you're inspired at 3am, you just write. This will probably be a ramble. Rambles are good sometimes.

What is psychology, really? Can we actually break the study of people down into a specific science? I don't think it's possible. Sure, we can get close, and we can categorize everything someone does, but not really. "I want to be a psychologist, so that I can always know what people are thinking." Oh, do you? If you always know how people are going to react, what does that make you? " I am omnipotent.... Maybe I am God." Okay, so if you're God, what does that make me? Am I a god too? No. You can't be an omnipotent God, if there's another one around. It just doesn't work that way. And then, if you happen to be that one God, how were you chosen, and better yet, why am I driving you home?

I told him he should write a book. This friend of mine believes that life is simply to exist. There's no purpose, just existence. Atleast, so he says. And I'm baffled. I have no idea how one arrives at that conclusion. I don't know what to think about this particular individual. I've never met someone who confused me so much. I gave him a ride home, and he says that I am an extremely kind person. I told him it was no big deal, I was just being normal. He said that what I am doing is not normal, and I said, "well, it's normal for me..." Because it is. He again said that I was a kind person. And then proceeded to tell me that he was not a kind person, even when he comes off as one. I said "you're both. You come off as kind and not at the same time, and it's interesting." He truly does too, and I'm not sure how to take it.

My instinct is always to trust the good that I see in people. It's there, it has to be part of their decisions somehow. But some part of me also doubts every good thing I ever see. Everyone has some ulterior motive, right? I didn't give him a ride home simply because it was the nice thing to do, I wanted something? I just might not know what I want, yet. But in that situation, I don't think I have other intentions, so I have to think that this psychological thinking doesn't always apply, and then I've proved my original point. It's not a very scientific example, but it works, yeah?

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore, but I'm extremely fascinated and interested in the thought process that this comes from. I know that I do not just simply exist, I am here for so many more reasons, even if I don't know what they all are. I do know, that one is to love people and be there for the ones in my life. And therefore, my life is not just a pure existence. Interesting, how "you're so kind." and "I just exist, there is no purpose" happened in the same conversation.

After all of this is gone, who would you rather be?

Peace, love, and way more than just existing,

This one is going to be pretty raw and open, bare with me.

On a regular basis in my life, my friends are able to see things in me before I'm able to identify them myself. When I go through a period of change, there are usually people by my side that say 'yeah, we knew this was going to happen'. I just got into a conversation with an awesome friend, and he started telling me things that he's noticed about my life, that he thinks I need to be better at. Interestingly enough, he's absolutely right. And the fact that I realize this, and I'm not mad, is impressive for me. The best part? They're things I'm already working on.

In fact, I think I owe an apology to some people in my life. I'm a sucky friend sometimes, and I don't really realize it until it might be too late. I get annoyed with people, and instead of talking through it, I disappear. I don't like conflict in my relationships, but I dislike losing friends more, regardless of my actions. I love the people in my life, an incredible amount. I want you all to realize that. I've gotten way caught up in things that don't actually matter, to me, and in general. Image has become a demon in my life, unfortunately, and I've begun to get over it. I care about the way I look, but I'm starting to not care who likes it and who doesn't. I read a blog post by an old friend a couple of weeks ago, and started to cry. I realized that I had become something completely different from who I used to be, and who I want to be. That I was way more caught up in the 'steezy' ski scene than I ought, and that it was taking over my life. I decided right then and there that it was over, and I was going to be me, regardless of who I was around. 

It's hard to make that change overnight, obviously. But, I've started worrying less about how others perceive me, when compared to their life and their style. I am not a groupie, a minion. I am a unique person with unique taste and unique style. I was born this way, I always have been this way. I just forgot for a while. In that forgetfulness, I also forgot that I deeply care about people, and I want to love my friends as much as I can. 

The conversation I just had got emotional on my end when he said, "you are worth the best in life and love, don't forget it." I do forget that, quite often. And to be honest, I've sold myself short a lot. He told me that people love to follow something, and that I should dare to lead instead. "Think slow. Put priority on your relationships. Be patient and merciful with your friends." I'm almost overwhelmed by the simplicity found in those statements. I need to live what I believe, not follow what others do. 

I'm learning. And I love you.

I jacked this from a photo contest thread on Newschoolers. I think it's brilliant.


"What do you Believe? I'm not religious, but I believe there is more to life than meets the eye. I believe people can perform terrible acts of cruelty, and amazing acts of kindness. I beleive music can cure sickness. I believe there is more than one right way. I believe that children are not only our future, but our teachers. I belive that if I tried to recreate this picture I never could. This picture taken at 110km/hr from a moving car makes me believe that nature is more powerful than anything humans can build and I believe I am happy knowing that. What do you believe?"


Photo credit: petesguitar1

This one has been a long time in the works, I'm finally happy with it. 

What does it take to be secure? What does it take to be sure of who you are and what you want? There's so much uncertainty. I know, we're in our twenties, that's how it's supposed be, isn't it? I just can't help but wonder why I know people my age who are so much more secure in who they are. They're always open to new ideas and new experiences, and they don't seem to regret things. Sometimes, I think that guilt is one of the most unhealthy things humans experience. I'm not talking about guilt that someone should feel when they kill someone, that's entirely different. I'm talking about a different kind.

The way I was raised, in a Baptist church, with a very involved family, there's a huge list of things that are 'bad', or just frowned upon. Don't swear (crap is a bad word too, Ashley), don't drink at all, don't even think about getting drunk, don't smoke cigarettes (Jesus doesn't like tobacco!!!), don't kiss boys, don't hold hands with boys, don't even hug boys (all they want to do is feel your boobs...). The list goes on and on and on. It's funny to me, how my family isn't even a part of a 'church' anymore, yet they still hold so tight to rules like this for me... I mean, understand that my parents want me to be a moral person, but don't hug boys? Wow. I feel like, even though I'm definitely an adult, and living my own life now, that these things are still bad, and I shouldn't go close to anything that makes me feel guilty.

I've been reading Mere Christianity (C.S. Lewis) this week. He's so damn brilliant. In the second chapter, he talks about impulses, and how we are often misguided as to how to deal with them. "It is a mistake to think that some of our impulses -say mother love or patriotism- are good, and others, like sex or the fighting instinct, are bad. All we mean, is that the occasions on which the fighting instinct or the sexual desire need to be restrained are rather more frequent that those for restraining mother love or patriotism... Strictly speaking, there are no such things as good and bad impulses." He uses the metaphor of a piano, saying that all the keys have their place and time, there are no good and bad keys on a piano. I don't know why, but I've never thought of it this way. Like I said, things in my life have always been very black and white, until the last few years. The more life I experience, the more I realize that what's right for you at one time, may not be right for me at another. I definitely believe in absolutes, but I don't think there's as many of them as people in the church tend to think. Some people tend to take everything they read in the Bible as absolute truth, and attempt to force the following of such rules upon everyone. I feel like these absolutes are the cause of unnecessary guilt.

The other day, I made a comment about karma, and a friend proceeded to ask if I even believed in God anymore. Not to be flippant, but I thought this was particularly hilarious. I made a comment about not going to/liking church, and the same friend asked me the same thing. Even more funny. Maybe it's not a good thing that I laugh at the idea of my disowning Jesus, but I've definitely tried. It doesn't work. For me, Jesus just is. People ask me if I believe in God anymore, and I smile, because I always will. For those who don't know, I have a Bible certificate from a 1 year Bible college, and I was probably the only person in my class who went there with the intention of proving modern day/ritualistic Christianity wrong. I learned an incredible amount while I was there, and came away from the experience even more skeptical about the way churches do things today. If you ask me if I'm a Christian, I'll probably say no. If you ask me if I go to church, I'll probably say no. If you ask me to go with you, I'll most likely go. If you ask me if I believe in Jesus and the Bible, I'll say absolutely.

I've said on more than one occasion, that if you're going to call me religious, at least recognize that my religion is love, as portrayed by Jesus, NOT Christianity, and not love alone. Because of my feelings on this stuff, the idea of church inspired guilt pisses me off. I think that the whole 'What Would Jesus Do' movement is misinterpreted. WWJD does not mean you shouldn't cause Jesus probably wouldn't. 'WWJD means you should think about how your actions affect others, and if you're hurting people, you aren't being Christlike, and you should probably re-think things.

I think C.S. Lewis has it spot on when he says "You might think love of humanity in general was safe, but it is not. If you leave out justice you will find yourself breaking agreements and faking evidence in trials 'for the sake of humanity,' and become a cruel and teacherous man."  Love without Jesus is nothing, love without justice is nothing, there are many parts to this, and it's hard to live this way all the time, but the beauty of it is, you're loved no matter what. David Crowder's song Birmingham  says, "Your love is relentless, and I'm glad for it, I'm glad for it. Your love is relentless and I am glad. Love has come, and we are safe. Hope has come, and we are safe." Yes.

Peace, love and having unique thoughts,

I love porches. Especially covered ones, when it's raining. I think I always want to have a covered porch, so I can sit outside while it's pouring, and drink coffee and watch the grass turn green and the puddles grow. I grew up in one of the rainiest places in the US, and now that I live in the desert, I seriously miss rain. When it rains here, I want to go lay in it.

I love outdoor showers. For some reason, it just feels better to shower under a sky instead of ceiling. I kinda want to have an outdoor shower at my house, when I have my own house. No matter where I live, or how much it snows. I think it would be absolutely rad.

I love sunshine. I love wind, trees, bodies of water. Nature makes me happy. I like playing in it. Sunshine makes me smile, and leaves a my skin glowing. Wind is an amazing phenomenon, and I wish that I knew how to sail or kiteboard, so that I could harness the wind, just a little bit. I love playing in water. I feel like it cleans my soul.

I love spiral staircases, vintage bikes, big turquoise jewelry. They're all unique in their own way. Spiral staircases are so unnecessary, and yet so practical and convenient at the same time. Vintage bikes are amazing, and I always wonder where they've been. I wish that bikes came with journal manuals, so we knew what they'd been through, how many crashes, repairs, misuses. Turquoise jewelry is so damn pretty. I'd rather wear turquoise than anything else. And it looks real good on my skin, especially after sunshine. :)

I love coffee, tea and beer. Brewed beverages are the best. Coffee keeps me going, tea makes me feel refined, and beer is just delicious. I like all the varieties, and tasting what makes them different. They're acquired tastes, and I like to say that I enjoy all three.

I love being barefoot. It's natural. I think feet were made to walk on, without shoes. Grass and bare feet is one of the most amazing feelings ever. And honestly, sometimes my pants don't look good with shoes, and I wish it were okay to run around town, school, whatever, barefoot.

I love paisley. It's so pretty, but when you look at the patterns, it's nothing special. It's a bunch of random shapes that just so happen to look amazing together.

I love orange juice. It's delicious. Duh.

Peace, love, and enjoying life,

Sometimes I don't want to admit how I really feel about things. Someone asks me 'how are you?' 'how do you like your classes?' and I totally sugarcoat my answers, even when I don't need to. Most of the people in my life, I'm able to be completely honest with, about anything, and it doesn't matter to them. Why do we do this? It's socially expected that we'll say something totally bubbly and wonderful, even if we feel like a pile of death. It's actually kind of annoying, when you think about how often you don't tell the truth when someone asks you a question. I'm going to start being more upfront about things when people ask me questions.

So, here's an attempt at some honesty. I went on the most epic trip of my life, for spring break, and I really just wanted to go home. I was in five states and three ski resorts, in an 8 day period. I spent around $100 on the entire trip. $10 total on four days of skiing at Jackson Hole, Grand Targhee and Schweitzer. My amazing Subaru  made it the entire way, despite the thoughts of other people. We stayed in two amazing houses and ate extremely well. But, I barely skied two of the four days, due to snowblindness. I went 2.4 miles to the top of the Jackson Hole tram that accesses expert only terrain, and couldn't even enjoy the descent. I made it into the top of the first bowl, and was hit with sunlight so bright that I couldn't even handle it with my darkest mirrored lens. I've never experienced pain like that in my life. I couldn't open my eyes without my hands covering most of my vision. I skied almost 4000 vertical with my poles under my arm and my hands shielding my eyes from peripheral sunlight. I skied straight down to the village and spent the next  hour in the village clinic, crying from the bright light the doctor had to shine in my eyes to check them. Long story short, I spent my day in Jackson Hole crying, sitting in a doctors office, and skiing the baby park with sunglasses underneath my goggles. Wonderful.

My burned retinas took three days to heal, completely. I couldn't even open my eyes do drive through Montana to Northern Idaho. I took several naps in the car, just wishing we were back in Bend, so that I wasn't missing out on anything. We hit Coeur 'd Alene, and my eyes had adjusted enough that I was able to drive to Sandpoint, probably largely due to the fact that the sun was going down. I was tired of not being able to see, and I was tired of the people I was with. The first day we skied Schweitzer, I had sunglasses under my goggles again, and I skied the entire day by myself. I almost drove off the sketchy access road several times when my eyes got hit with too much light, but having an entire day to myself was wonderful, and I'm glad I did it. I'm not going to go into detail about the other things that annoyed me on this trip, there's too many little things, and they don't really matter by themselves, but when they all piled up.... blah.

I don't know why I was in such a bad mood the entire trip. My last post was started while I was sitting alone in the cabin we stayed in to ski Jackson, because I was tired of being made fun of by the 12 guys that were on the trip. I know, I'm very easy to make fun of, but there's a point where it starts to wear on me, and I think the constant poking got to me deeply, and stayed with me all week. I definitely put on a tough exterior. I'm often more comfortable around boys than girls, and I probably act like one too. But when it comes down to it, I'm pretty fragile about certain things. My spring break trip was an eye opener, as to the way I want to live, the people I want to surround myself with, and the image I want to project. I think I learned quite a bit about myself. I'm definitely pretty introverted sometimes. Yes, I love being around people, but damn, I need my space in order to be happy. I enjoy time spent skiing or biking by myself. I love sitting at a coffeeshop surrounded by people, but with music in my ears. I'm loud and boisterous when around certain people, but if you catch me alone? I'm quiet and thoughtful quite a bit of the time. I used to solo boat the Wenatchee in the summer, just to catch some alone time in nature.

And, you know.... there were quite a few amazing things about this trip, that made it worthwhile, despite everything that went wrong. Our day at Grand Targhee was ended with quite a bit of fresh, and the place was empty. Jackson Hole was bluebird sunny, and the views were spectacular, despite how much I got to look. I got see how stunningly beautiful the Tetons are, and the town of Jackson is amazing. I got to see Sandpoint, Idaho, where the mountain has views of a huge lake. I got to ski pow at Schweitzer with one of my best friends, and it was free. I got to hang out in a hot tub at 6,000 feet, while it snowed and snowed and snowed, and I think snow and mountains are the two best things in nature.

So there's your spring break honesty. I'm glad I went on the trip, but there's a lot that I would change. And if you ask me about it, I'm gonna try to tell you the truth.

Peace, love, and the Grand Teton,

So... If you hadn't noticed, I'm rather obnoxious. I'm loud. I do dumb things, and I definitely get made fun of for them. A lot. Sometimes, the fun making crosses a line. I guess you can consider this your personal guide to what actually pisses me off, and what's definitely okay to make fun of me for.

Things that are definitely okay!
- Wearing steezy things. Yeah. I wear bandanas... my goggles go under my helmet. I sag my goggles, wear my outerwear a size or two too big, and listen to my music really loud. You can definitely make fun of me for it, but ya gotta know, I do what's comfortable, it works.
- Being loud. I'm ridiculously loud. Sometimes, I don't have a filter, and even more often, I don't have a volume control. I know its true, its funny.
- I'm a human GPS 99% of the time. You can make fun of me for being one, I'm relatively good with directions, I don't plan on ever having a GPS installed in my car. There's a flip side to this though, so hang on.
- Making ridiculous faces. I do it. I can't help it. For some reason I decided, a long time ago, that normal faces are boring. There's like 100 of them. They're hilarious. Go ahead.
- Having a messy car. My life is amazing. Sometimes, I would rather go skiing than clean out my car. So shoot me. It's the Duffmobile, its a mess. You'll live.

Things that are NOT okay.
- Duff, you're gonna get your car stuck. Duff, it's too deep for a Subaru. Duff, you don't know how to drive, you're a girl. DON'T talk to me like that. I've never gotten my car stuck, in snow, mud or sand. I know where it can drive, how deep, and how fast. I know how to drive on snow better than a lot of people, and I'm very cautious about it. The only people I let get in the driver's seat of my car are the people who I know are better than I am at driving in snow. If we're on the highway or in town, I might let you drive. Maybe. Yes, I got in an accident, but the fact that I didn't hit the oncoming truck says a lot. Don't make fun of me for the way I drive, or the way I talk about driving. I like it. I like my car. I like my life. The end.
- Getting 'lost'. I really only get lost when directions are screwed up. If I know where I'm going, I'm not going to get lost. If Google tells me something is where it is not, I might get a little turned around in trying to get there, but chances are, if you just leave me alone, I'll find it on my own. Don't make fun of me for getting turned around, and don't try to fix it unless I ask you. You'll make it worse, promise.
- Boys. I've had a lot of crushes. We all know this. But when you decide to make fun of me for it, play nice. I'm sure you've liked just as many people in your life as I have. And I'm also sure that you're not as level headed about relationships as I am. I haven't dated anyone in almost 4 years.

There's plenty of other quirks about my life, and I'm sure you can come up with some of them. They're probably okay to make fun of me for. :)

Peace, love, and good humor,