What does it take to be secure? What does it take to be sure of who you are and what you want? There's so much uncertainty. I know, we're in our twenties, that's how it's supposed be, isn't it? I just can't help but wonder why I know people my age who are so much more secure in who they are. They're always open to new ideas and new experiences, and they don't seem to regret things. Sometimes, I think that guilt is one of the most unhealthy things humans experience. I'm not talking about guilt that someone should feel when they kill someone, that's entirely different. I'm talking about a different kind.
The way I was raised, in a Baptist church, with a very involved family, there's a huge list of things that are 'bad', or just frowned upon. Don't swear (crap is a bad word too, Ashley), don't drink at all, don't even think about getting drunk, don't smoke cigarettes (Jesus doesn't like tobacco!!!), don't kiss boys, don't hold hands with boys, don't even hug boys (all they want to do is feel your boobs...). The list goes on and on and on. It's funny to me, how my family isn't even a part of a 'church' anymore, yet they still hold so tight to rules like this for me... I mean, understand that my parents want me to be a moral person, but don't hug boys? Wow. I feel like, even though I'm definitely an adult, and living my own life now, that these things are still bad, and I shouldn't go close to anything that makes me feel guilty.
I've been reading Mere Christianity (C.S. Lewis) this week. He's so damn brilliant. In the second chapter, he talks about impulses, and how we are often misguided as to how to deal with them. "It is a mistake to think that some of our impulses -say mother love or patriotism- are good, and others, like sex or the fighting instinct, are bad. All we mean, is that the occasions on which the fighting instinct or the sexual desire need to be restrained are rather more frequent that those for restraining mother love or patriotism... Strictly speaking, there are no such things as good and bad impulses." He uses the metaphor of a piano, saying that all the keys have their place and time, there are no good and bad keys on a piano. I don't know why, but I've never thought of it this way. Like I said, things in my life have always been very black and white, until the last few years. The more life I experience, the more I realize that what's right for you at one time, may not be right for me at another. I definitely believe in absolutes, but I don't think there's as many of them as people in the church tend to think. Some people tend to take everything they read in the Bible as absolute truth, and attempt to force the following of such rules upon everyone. I feel like these absolutes are the cause of unnecessary guilt.
The other day, I made a comment about karma, and a friend proceeded to ask if I even believed in God anymore. Not to be flippant, but I thought this was particularly hilarious. I made a comment about not going to/liking church, and the same friend asked me the same thing. Even more funny. Maybe it's not a good thing that I laugh at the idea of my disowning Jesus, but I've definitely tried. It doesn't work. For me, Jesus just is. People ask me if I believe in God anymore, and I smile, because I always will. For those who don't know, I have a Bible certificate from a 1 year Bible college, and I was probably the only person in my class who went there with the intention of proving modern day/ritualistic Christianity wrong. I learned an incredible amount while I was there, and came away from the experience even more skeptical about the way churches do things today. If you ask me if I'm a Christian, I'll probably say no. If you ask me if I go to church, I'll probably say no. If you ask me to go with you, I'll most likely go. If you ask me if I believe in Jesus and the Bible, I'll say absolutely.
I've said on more than one occasion, that if you're going to call me religious, at least recognize that my religion is love, as portrayed by Jesus, NOT Christianity, and not love alone. Because of my feelings on this stuff, the idea of church inspired guilt pisses me off. I think that the whole 'What Would Jesus Do' movement is misinterpreted. WWJD does not mean you shouldn't cause Jesus probably wouldn't. 'WWJD means you should think about how your actions affect others, and if you're hurting people, you aren't being Christlike, and you should probably re-think things.
I think C.S. Lewis has it spot on when he says "You might think love of humanity in general was safe, but it is not. If you leave out justice you will find yourself breaking agreements and faking evidence in trials 'for the sake of humanity,' and become a cruel and teacherous man." Love without Jesus is nothing, love without justice is nothing, there are many parts to this, and it's hard to live this way all the time, but the beauty of it is, you're loved no matter what. David Crowder's song Birmingham says, "Your love is relentless, and I'm glad for it, I'm glad for it. Your love is relentless and I am glad. Love has come, and we are safe. Hope has come, and we are safe." Yes.
Peace, love and having unique thoughts,
4 comments:
Hi Ashley
I really enjoyed what you wrote 4/26/10. My name is Butch. I am a youth leader with YRU through City Church.
http://www.citychurchbend.com/
I've always said that three of the hardest things in the world are being a spouse, being a parent, and being a Christian. All three take a lot of work. I've been divorced twice, and single now for 18 years since the last one. I've all but eliminated marriage from my life. Not that marriage is a bad thing. I am perfectly happy with the way my life is right now. If God wants to hook me up, that's great, if not that's great too.
I've been around the block a few times and seen and lived the results of living outside of God's will, too much to be honest. I was raised by alcoholic parents, and abused by my alcoholic father until he kicked me out as soon as I turned 17. To make a long story short I used the abuse as an excuse for all my failures and many stupid mistakes.
It wasn't until just a few years ago I finally made the choice to put my life in the hands of Jesus. Not just part of it like I've done in the past, but all of me. I went through some tough times for the umpteenth time because of some bad choices. It was a slap in the face that finally after so many years woke me up. I realized that everything that happened to me were my fault. I'm the one who made every stupid choice. I was stubborn and fought God most of my life, thinking I could do it all on my own, that I didn't need Him. Man was I ever wrong. I often wonder what my life would be like today had I come to this revelation a long time ago.
Continued-
Since then My life is so different. Instead of expecting the world to serve me and my selfish desires, God has called me to serve. So I have totally put myself in God's hands to use as He sees fit. I finally know why I'm here, and what my purpose is.
The things of this world are no longer that important to me, material things don't really matter. As long as I have a roof over my head and food to eat, I'm happy. But the thing that makes me most happy is a hug from a young person when they follow my advice and it really works for them, a thank you for treating them as equal and just loving and caring for them, a huge smile and hug from a 7 year old, for buying her a new pair of shoes for her first day of school because the mom had no money. I wouldn't trade these for all the material things in the world.
You see I was always trying to get what I could get, and got really nothing. Now I give what I can give and get rewards that no amount of money could ever buy. My life is more exciting now than at any other time of my life. It is my dream to travel the country and talk to young people, especially those who experience abuse as I did, to share with them a better way than most are being taught.
Those things you were talking about, whether it's OK to hug a man, or hold hands, don't drink at all, don't swear, etc. I can't even live up to those expectations! I wish I could. What I do know is the closer to God I get the more I live according to His will. We can get caught up in all the things we shouldn't do, and take the focus of what we should be doing. The more I live Like God wants me too and the more I serve, the less I think about those things. I don't believe the things you mention are bad things unless used for the wrong reasons or abused. I don't believe a hug or holding hands will lead to a sexual encounter, unless you allow it to, then that's where you start treading dangerous ground. You don't sound like a young lady that would fall into that trap.
My point to you is I do believe that we should all put our lives in God's hands to mold and nurture so we can be used in a way that could be a positive example for those around us. We will never be perfect. All God asks is that we try our best to live His way instead of going our own way, which certainly didn't work for me.
I've come to the conclusion that even if the rest of my life is hard and full of trials, when I get to heaven and enter into an eternity of bliss with my Savior it won't even matter.
I'm officially inviting you to City church on Sunday. I think you will like it as it is full of young people such as yourself. Our church family probably consists of 70% under the age of 30, and the rest 30 and up. Me being way up. :-) It's very casual and laid back. We have one service from 10 to about 11:30.
You have a great week
Butch
Butch, thanks for sharing all that! Life is crazy.
You should know, though, I've been to City Church many times, the college group started at my house. :)
Oh wow I didn't know that. I thought I had pretty much met everyone. Obviously we haven't. Next time you're there look me up. I'm pretty hard to miss, and most of the college kids know who I am.
Have a good one
Butch
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